Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
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I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.