LOL!
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Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Don’t touch that.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Yeah. This was me today.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
look at me when i’m typing to you
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room