Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
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Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
There is no “we” in pizza
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.