Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
broke down and did it
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Is your wife single?
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine