Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
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Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.