If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
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I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?