I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.