When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
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Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
😎 🍻
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…