Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
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Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Never be a pizza!
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up