i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.