I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.