If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
🤣dope
Noah was an idiot.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album