When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
it’s the silliest best thing
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices