[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.