Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
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some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
When I grow up, I want to be 16
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.