They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
A leaf blower, but for people.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”