Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
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I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”