Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I put the hot in psychotic.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My patronus is a cheeseburger
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know