[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
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Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.