Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear