I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
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Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Before & after 😅
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here