I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
You Might Also Like
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.