Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor