i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
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I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
When libraries troll their patrons.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Meow
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell