A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
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Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life