You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler