Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.