How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.