I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Cats (2019)
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.