6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
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[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.