Pee pressure > peer pressure
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I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page