Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !