Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
You Might Also Like
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10