instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
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Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.