When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.