Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
You Might Also Like
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
turning my gender off to conserve energy
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*