Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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“Huge”.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Feels like the fourth month in January
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
stop
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape