Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Oh my God.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison