Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
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Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Well, this is awkward
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.