*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married