If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far