[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo