Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
You Might Also Like
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
They’re on their honeymoon
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants