Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people