Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
when there are deer in the woods
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.