Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French