I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.