In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
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Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Me in tagged photos
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.