my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
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6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
i dont have time for this
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK