I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.